How does therapy break unhealthy relationship patterns?

Unhealthy patterns in relationships often look like repeated arguments, emotional disconnection, or feeling like you and your partner are stuck in roles you didn’t choose. These cycles can feel frustrating and confusing—especially if both people love each other and want the relationship to work. In couples therapy, two approaches I frequently use to help change these patterns are the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).

The Gottman Method focuses on communication skills, conflict management, and building emotional intimacy. For example, we might explore what triggers a defensive response or identify the “four horsemen” (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling) that often derail productive conversations. By replacing those with gentle start-ups, responsibility-taking, and repair attempts, couples learn how to turn toward one another rather than away.

Emotionally Focused Therapy works at a deeper emotional level. It helps us uncover what’s really happening underneath the conflict. Often, one partner is protesting emotional disconnection while the other is managing overwhelming feelings by shutting down. EFT slows down the interaction and helps both partners express softer, more vulnerable emotions—like fear of not mattering or a longing to be truly seen—so that they can reach for each other more effectively.

In therapy, we’re not just giving tools to manage behavior—we’re also helping partners understand their emotional patterns, their attachment needs, and how to safely show up for one another in ways that heal. That’s the heart of shifting long-standing dynamics.

If you and your partner keep running into the same arguments or feel distant even when things are calm, couples therapy can help bring clarity, connection, and change.