Use the following template to co-create your relationship’s Rules for Taking a Break. Edit liberally and craft this to suit your relationship and your values.

1. Take a break when you are:

- unable to regulate yourself or are nearing dysregulation

- unable to communicate in a way that your partner can hear you

- speaking harshly, yelling or saying things you don’t mean

- shutting down or unable to listen well

- add

2. A break is not needed when you are:

- regulated but don’t feel like talking about the subject (communicate that instead- no need to escalate to a break)

- avoiding hard topics (communicate that the topic is hard for you)

- add

3. Breaks can be requested if you are hyper-aroused (racing thoughts, yelling, interrupting) or hypoaroused/shut down/flooded (unable to think clearly, unable to listen)

4. The time out requester communicates their need for a break, without shaming or blaming their partner. Include two parts: a gentle, I-statement ‘why’ and a promise of return in a specified amount of time, like:

“I need a break to calm down. I will be back to check in in 20 minutes” (write your own)

5. The requester chooses the necessary minimum amount of time before checking in*. A recommended default is 20 minutes. After the requested amount of time, you will return to check in, even if the check-in is just to say you need another break (and this time it might need to be longer, but keep it as short as possible)

*It is highly recommended to set a timer so you help yourself return on time and build trust with your partner

6. Don’t let yourself get stopped. Don’t ask permission to take a break.

7. While on the break, do not ruminate on the fight. Do an activity that is relaxing or regulating, such as:

- Moving: walking outside, doing a quick workout, doing some yoga or stretching

- Providing sensation to your body to help ground yourself: taking a shower (hot or cold), drinking water or tea, stepping outside and noticing the weather, use an ice pack, chew gum

- Doing something soothing: listening to music, meditating, journaling (but not journal-venting), reading a familiar book

8. If a break is needed, wait at least 24-hours before returning to the subject of the fight.

9. Once the break has been taken, and both partners are regulated, find a form of connection like:

- Hug until relaxed (usually at least 30 seconds)

- Express gratitude

- Go on a walk together

- Watch a tv show together while touching

- Remind each other of your love and care for one another

- Be gentle with one another (don’t try to process)

- Say a good apology, if you are ready and mean it

- Make a cup of tea

- Schedule the next time you will bring up the topic, if needed

- After connecting, return to some alone time/ regulating time if needed by either partner

Crafting Your Relationship's Rules for Taking a Break